Help Me Become O.J.'s Editor!

As you may have heard, a federal court today gave Fred Goldman, father of "alleged" O.J. Simpson victim Ron Goldman, permission to seek the rights to Simpson's warped book, If I Did It.

I want Mr. Goldman to hire me to edit it. He can't publish it as is - he needs to take O.J.'s words and twist them into shapes as hideous as the mind that birthed such a sick idea in the first place! I'm the man for the job!

I am uniquely suited for this:

• I'm from freaking Buffalo. O.J. was one of my childhood heroes. I had freaking full-page newspaper images of him on my wall for years when I was a kid.

• I can be as mean as a burnt snake, which is meaner than a cut snake by several factors, and which will be necessary - and gleefully employed - for the job.

• I'm a professional writer, both of fiction and non-fiction. (Credentials available upon request.)

• I already have a new title in mind, one I believe Mr. Goldman will appreciate: I'm an Idiot, which rhymes with If I Did It, but is way more honest.

Spread the word! Tell your friends! I want to edit O.J.'s warped book! Hell, I'll do it for free!