The Dukes of Justice

A Good Ol' Boy's Rundown of the Justice Department Scandal

I got me to thinking the other day that there's lots of folks out there that just don't seem to understand what the heck's going on in all this U.S. Attorney shenanigans we keep hearing about from them news people. A whole bunch of 'em keep telling us it's a whole lot a hoopla about nothin' - and a lot of folks seem to believe 'em. Well, I ain't so sure. And I think I got a little tale to tell to make it all a whole lot simpler to understand.

First off, I want y'all to think of Attorney General Alberto Gonzales as Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane. You know him: he's the #2 bad guy from one of the greatest, if not the greatest, TV shows of all time, The Dukes of Hazzard. The #1 bad guy on that particular program was, of course, Boss Hogg. In our story here, Boss Hogg's a combination of President George W. Bush and his wily Vice President, Dick Cheney, and their master political swami, Karl "Turdblossom" Rove.

Now how this here story matters to you and I is that all of us are the Dukes, the good, wholesome Americans just trying to make a good honest living in the great Hazzard County we call "America." And we're being thwarted at every twist and turn in that honest undertakin' by the nefarious doings of the Bosses and their chief law enforcement officer, Sheriff Roscoe Gonzales.

You see, Boss Hoggs and Sheriff Roscoe Gonzales are always up to some no good scheme that they hope will turn them into instant millionaires, or at least keep them in power through the next election, and it always involves some kind of law breakin' and hurtin' of the little guy. And the Dukes, mainly our heroes Bo and Luke Duke, hard workin' entrepreneurial brothers, and their wholesome cousin Daisy Duke, don't like no nefarious law-breakin', especially when it involves hurtin' the little guy. Like their kindly and honest Uncle, Jesse Duke. Jesse's a simple farmer, and his farm always seems to be in danger of closing down right to the nits and gnats when Boss Hoggs and Sheriff Gonzales are up to one of their no-account schemes. So the Dukes are always bustin' up the Bosses' plans and stopping their criminal enterprises in good and wholesome American ways that are inventive and wildly entertaining. That makes for a good program, whether it's on the TV or it's actual real life.

Now the Hoggs don't like that.

So they got themselves a plan: They decided that if they had a whole slew of their own personal law enforcement officers to be the official police force of Hazzard County, then they'd have a whole lot better chance of stopping us Dukes and getting away with their nefarious activities. With just such unjustful thinking in mind, they told Sheriff Gonzales to draw up a chart on every police officer in the county, seeing how loyal they were to the Bosses. And if they found ones that weren't loyal enough, well, they should make them "retire" from the force. Then the Hoggs could replace them with officers that were loyal to them and would look the other way when they up to no good.

And Sheriff Roscoe Gonzales did just that, 'cept it wasn't police officers, it was U.S. Attorneys. Eight of 'em. At least.

Now life would have been pretty awful for the Dukes - and you and I and everybody else in this great Hazzard County we call "America" - if the Dukes, and all their family and friends around the blogosphere, hadn't worked real hard to figure out what the Hoggs and the Sheriff were up to. And so yet another criminal enterprise by the Boss Hoggs has been busted up and good, and you and I and all the good ol' boys and girls in the country can get back to the farm and go about our good business.

Now that's a story any good American can understand.


* And lookey here: they even found some more shenanigans. God bless them Dukes.