Fox News Clears Wolfowitz [Updated]

Yes folks, embattled World Bank president Paul Wolfowitz is breathing a sigh of relief today, now that investigators from Fox News have dug through More Than 100 Pages! of documents:


But FOX News has analyzed more than 100 pages of internal bank documents dating to 2005 that paint a far more complex portrait of the case – and suggests that the bank’s own ethics committee had known the terms of the settlement with Riza for at least a year.

Step back, folks - it's complicated. Let Fox News handle this. You see, everything's okay now because no matter the right or wrong of what Wolfowitz did - it's okay because, according to Fox News, the bank's ethics committee knew about it. I know what you're thinking: That would be like saying that if Wolfowitz had used bank money to pay 80 hookers to be his personal live-in tiddly-winkers it would be okay...as long as the bank's ethics committee knew about it.

Well, yes, that is what they're saying. Fox News. Moving right along:

The documents show that while Wolfowitz did indeed dictate the lucrative terms of Riza’s salary to the bank’s human resources chief, he also took steps to try and determine if what he was doing was right – seemingly trying to navigate his way through an arcane bureaucracy with a maze of unusual rules and procedures.

No! Don't read it again! You read it right the first time! Wolfowitz tried and tried and worked his whole little brain off trying to figure out if it was right and good that his girlfriend get a raise for not being at work anymore.* Like we said folks - it's complicated.

And: "Wolfowitz did indeed dictate the lucrative terms of Riza’s salary to the bank’s human resources chief..." Never mind that Wolfowitz said he had nothing to do with her salary when the story first broke, before admitting that he indeed did when it became apparent that he, yes, indeed did. Never mind that HE LIED. Fox News read More Than 100 Pages! of documents - and lying doesn't matter when Fox News reads that many documents. (It's complicated.)

And never mind that Wolfowitz apologized for his lies lies lies "mistake," showing that, at least in his mind, if not in the dried peanuts minds of Fox News investigators, he had done something wrong - he can takesy-backsy the apology now that Fox News has cleared him. That's how the Fox News works. It unlies lies and unsorries apologies for kings, crooks, and clowns everywhere.

* UPDATE: Referring to the asterisk where I wrote "...get a raise for not being at work anymore," go here.