Glenn Beck: America's Creepy Uncle [Updtd]

I figured Glenn Beck's hiring at CNN was something the network would wake up from rather quickly. But no. There he is, two and some odd years later, hosting a daily program on "The Most Trusted Name in News." Yippee for us.

Here's a tid-bit from the Beck bio, eerily similar to that of America's Creepy Viagra Huffer, Rush Limbaugh:

Beck's radio career started at age 13 when he won a local radio contest to be a disc jockey for an hour. Soon after, Beck juggled three different radio jobs at a Christian station, a rock station and a country music station but was fired from all three on the same day at age 14.

Wait, there's more:

After a bout with alcoholism and drug addiction, Beck became a Mormon and embarked on a new career in talk radio.

I've put together a Modern Republican Success Template: fail; fail; fail; fail; fail while drunk or high; do something churchy; make millions being pompously ignorant and intolerant on radio and TV (or become president).

It's beautiful, really. You can almost see Jesus' eyes shining through it.

And what wisdom has Uncle Glenn brought the masses? This:

That was Hitler's plan. His enemy: the Jew. Al Gore's enemy, the U.N.'s enemy: global warming.

And, on his radio show, not long before being hired by CNN:

"[I'm] thinking about killing Michael Moore, and I'm wondering if I could kill him myself, or if I would need to hire somebody to do it. No, I think I could."

And this, which one can almost hear coming from the lips of Thomas Jefferson:

We must preserve our symbols of national pride and power, be they a flag, a cross, characters like Superman or G.I. Joe.

And this one, which I think especially shines a light on the CNN employee's inner world. It's America's Creepy Uncle offering sage advice on "ugly women":

OK, so anyway, I was talking about ugly people. Ugly people, if you're a guy, you can get past it. I don't think you can as an ugly woman. I don't -- no, I don't. If you're an ugly woman, I apologize. Oh, you've got a double cross, because if you're an ugly woman, you're probably a progressive as well. Oh, jeez. I'm sorry. Today's just not your day. But you know what? If you believed in God, you'd know that there's going to be another chance for you. You don't have to be ugly in heaven. You're going to be your perfect self, and there will be another perfect somebody waiting for you on the other side. Until that time...

CNN: the most trusted name in beautiful, godly news. And we're talking Glenn Beck beautiful and godly.

Update: Oh Lord, Beck on CNN today:

CHETRY: So you think that it was a bad move for [Obama] to meet with Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas?

BECK: I think it is. […] But if you’re sitting down and you’re talking to people, as he has said that he wants to do, and try to bring everybody together, you cannot bring people together that have extremist ideology. […] You do not get into bed with people that want to destroy you and run you into the sea.

Uh, Glenn, both Pesident Bush and John McCain have met with Palestinian president Mahmoud Abbas:

Bush has said Abbas is “a man of courage,” “a man of peace,” and a leader who is “willing to speak out and act on behalf of people who yearn for peace” while McCain has said Abbas is someone capable of settling “differences in a peaceful and amicable fashion.”

Funny and sad, sad and funny.